Putting Your Anger To Good Use
To identify what's happening when people feel specific emotions. For instance when we say we're angry, what is occuring? What are the situations that call forth an anger response and how does that anger address what's happening? How does anger support or impede us? And what is anger's purpose?
HOW DOES ANGER WORK? HOW DOES MY EMOTIONS WORK?
Over the years, I have asked that question of all my emotions (WHY), not in regards to how you or I may feel in our bodies (that is unique to each person), or how they look but in regards to what they do (facial expressions of emotionss are not reliable signals.) What work do your emotions do, and what can you accomplish with their help? And how can you engage with them directly once you understand how they work?
The purpose of anger for instance is, to help us identify what's important to you and help set clear and effective boundaries around the things you value (and around yourself). Whether your anger arises at the soft level of peevishness or frustration, or at the intense level of bitterness or hostility, your anger is about boundaries.
I had to ask myself a few questions. Why do (did) I get so angry? What must be protected? What must be restored? I've been thinking about this a great deal. For many people including myself "Anger: is tied up with violence in some way either, violence towards others when anger is expressed carelessly--or violence towards themselves. When anger is expressed and they refuse to speak up or set boundaries for themselves.
Anger’s job is to help you set and maintain effective interpersonal boundaries. At its most subtle level, anger helps you uphold mutual respect and keep open the lines of communication in your relationships.
Anger is a way to translate sadness into something powerful. This is why guys are very comfortable with anger, but what they're really saying is, I can translate fear or sadness into something that gives me power. So that's your secondary emotion, anger is really and expression of a boundary violation that we've violated within ourselves or someone's violated, but that's where people go comfortably. What I have been finding is that connecting to what we value settles me (us). Helps me (us) to focus on what's important. Then the protection and restoration questions makes more sense to me.
We’ve all been on the wrong end of someone’s badly managed anger, and we’ve all used anger as a bludgeon (or sarcasm as a stiletto). In fact, when most of us think of anger, we see a red-faced bull or something like it. Anger has a pretty terrible reputation.
However, people can also experience a great deal of pain and trouble in their lives if they don’t have enough anger — so let’s look at anger empathically.
The protection question seemed to engage that violence, which is why (I) or people couldn't undrstand (or even see) The restoration question it didn't compute to me (them).
Identifying what (I) you value. What must be protected and what must restored?
After having many conversations with myself, my mentors, family member's and therapist, what I have been finding is that connceting to what we value settles me(us). Helps me (us) to focus on what's important. Then the protection and restoration questions makes more sense to me.
If you don't know what you value, you and your anger may try to protect things that aren't worth protecting, and you try to protect and restore old behaviors that don't have andy meaning or value any more. If you don't know what you value, your anger may careen around like a pinball and you may lose your way.
Discover what you value and your work of protection and restoration may become more valid, more honorable and more effective. Anger arises to address challenges to your standpoint, your position, your interpersonal boundaries, or yourself image. Your task is to restore your sense of self and your interpersonal boundaries without violating the boundaries of others. Your anger will also step in when others are being challenged or devalued, and your task is to address and restore the boundaries of all parties.
xoxo
Jennifer